Sally's Story

Summary

Sally didn’t expect parenthood to be harder than her senior management job...

She was given a brilliant NHS maternity leave package for a year and thought she would wholeheartedly love being a mum. Unfortunately, Sally’s time on leave was really difficult, feeling trapped and alone.

Sally’s advice to those expecting a baby is:

• Look into shared parental leave options and take it if you can.
• Having realistic expectations means it will only get better, rather than the opposite.
• If you’re successful at work, don’t expect it to be equally amazing, it’s the most demanding job ever.

Read Sally’s full story below. Her raw and honest account of motherhood is worth 5 minutes of your time.

Sally's Story

I’m not the breadwinner in our family. I was supposed to be the full-time mum. I wasn’t meant to be carving out a career path.

When I became pregnant, I imagined I’d be pleased to have a year off from work. I thought I was going to become an earth mum. I expected to be happy working part-time for the rest of my life.

I thought I’d be satisfied with this and that I’d love being a mum.

I didn’t stress about how parenting was going to impact my career. I knew I’d have to go part-time when I eventually went back, but I was ok with that because I’d love being a mum.

Predictably I gave birth and then felt trapped.

I felt trapped at home. I wasn’t using my brain. I found it really boring.

I found it hard there wasn’t a two-way relationship with my baby. In the first five months, they barely interact. I didn’t enjoy it at all.

I kept myself busy. I did all the usual groups: the singing classes, the music groups, the baby swimming lessons. I went to town with it, but intellectually it didn’t stimulate me at all.

I have a lovely peer group of intelligent friends, but I think we were all caught up in the baby world, so there was nothing much to talk about other than that.

The NHS is brilliant for maternity pay.

I was working as a manager in the NHS, and the maternity package meant it made no sense for me to return before the end of my leave. It bound me into having a year off. 

I feel terrible saying it. I know I was so fortunate to have maternity leave, but this added to my feeling trapped because it wasn’t in my control.

If I hadn’t been working for the NHS, maybe I could have looked into shared parental leave with my husband. Or I could have returned to work early. But because the maternity leave is so good at the NHS, I would have been literally throwing money away if I’d gone back earlier.

Nobody can prepare you for motherhood.

Nobody knows what baby you’ll get and how you’ll feel about that baby. I had an incredibly cranky one for six months! I think that affected how relaxed I was with him.

I’m not sure why I had such high expectations of how motherhood would be. I’m not sure why it wasn’t those things.

I frequently tell people not to expect it to be amazing.

If you’re successful at work, there can be an expectation that you’ll be successful as a mother. It’s important to remind people that it’s the most demanding job ever. A senior management job is easier! Nothing is as hard as motherhood.

Right from the start - at the point of pregnancy - you can never put your own needs first again. It’s an instant flick where you are always of secondary importance. I found this a difficult change for me.

I guess I hoped I would have a partnership with my husband where he would take some ownership of the child so that at least, at times, I could put myself first. But that doesn’t really happen in our relationship.

My advice is to go into parenthood expecting it to be hard work, and then it can only be better, rather than an idealistic expectation that it will be wonderful.