Ray's Story

Summary

Ray knew he didn’t want to miss seeing his son grow up while he was travelling for his corporate job.

After spending 4 days a week in hotels, he made the bold choice to quit his career… without a clear plan.

Ray was fortunate enough to take the plunge and spend a year building a business. Now he finally has enough flexibility to drop everything if, for example, his son fell ill.

His advice to other parents trying to work out how to manage childcare and work is:

• Don’t be embarrassed or afraid to talk to other men who have been through it or are going through it. It helped that I had a peer group of men at work going through similar emotions and rethinking life.
• Join forums like NCT, that’s where I met a network of dads.
• I don’t think there’s any harm in having a conversation with your line manager or employer to see if there are flexible or alternate options to explore.
• And just because you have a child doesn’t mean you can’t change your career. You’ll figure out a way to manage it. It can be done.

Read Ray’s full story below; we love the lightbulb moments he had as a new father.

Ray's Story

Just before I became a father, I took a leap of faith and made a career change. I chose to leave my corporate job to be around when my son was born, and going forward.

My job role involved a lot of travel around the UK, Europe and the Middle East. I wasn’t at home Monday to Friday, and it was taking its toll from a mental health and family life perspective. About six months into my wife’s pregnancy, I questioned whether I wanted to be in a hotel room four days a week. Lots of people use technology to stay connected to their family and make it work well for them, but personally, it wasn’t for me. I realised I wanted to be there from day one. I asked myself, 'Do I want to hear about the moments I missed, or do I want to experience them?’ The simple things like nursery drop off, first words, all the milestones.

It was a bit of a no-brainer.

I left my job without a clear plan, other than to stop working and then figure things out as I went along. Fortunately, I was comfortable enough to do that, and trusted that I’d find work if it all went wrong.

My top priority became everything to do with the baby.

We had an NCT group, and it was interesting to see how the other dads handled it. Having quit my job, I was one extreme. One dad was taking shared paternity leave, and another had just taken two weeks. There was some validation in hearing what other people were doing.

I decided to give myself one year to see what I could do. I started thinking about how there must be a way to create a good team environment, within a business context, while still prioritising family.

I wanted to have good career progression and make sure I had enough flexibility to put family first, which meant I could drop everything if my son fell ill.

In my new business, I wanted success to be measured not just by the kind of work I’d be putting out in the market but also by how I would be part of my family unit. I did not set out to build a billion-pound company, but I also believed there must be a way to climb the ladder while still focusing on family.

I wanted to create an environment that would emulate that if the business grew. I was trialling out ideas like a four or a 4.5-day week, toying with contracts where you still get paid your full-time salary, but you work four days a week, with Friday being a training/family day.

Meanwhile, I tried to solidify some of the practices for myself. I’ve implemented a 4.5-day week with Friday afternoons for family time. I pick up my son early and we spend time together. It hasn’t been detrimental to the work I’ve done or the quality of the deliverables.

There was a mental block for me to get past where I felt it was OK to ask clients and customers the question, for example, to cancel a meeting because of childcare responsibilities, or to explain I couldn’t meet at a particular time because I was picking up my son. It was helpful to acknowledge that my clients or customers might be parents themselves and have that understanding.

After a year, when decision time came, we agreed the balance was working well for my wife, son, and me.

I had a lot more flexibility in my work than my wife when she returned after maternity leave—this added value to the combined family unit.

My son gets a good dose of both parents.

What I’m suggesting isn’t rocket science. But in my career, I can probably count on one hand where I’ve seen the dads make a similar career choice. Gender shouldn’t make a difference.

I could go out into the world, just my son and me, for walks in our local village. It’s been interesting to see how the world has evolved. I think the pandemic played a positive role in this. Before lockdown, if I’d gone to a coffee shop during working hours, there would always have been more mums with their kids. But it’s changing. There are definitely more dads around during working hours. I can see there’s been a mindset change, and it’s refreshing.

I appreciate it might sound like I’m saying I’m doing something profound. I don’t see it that way, but I came from a traditional parenting environment. It’s been an eye-opener for me, and I wonder why more people don’t do it.

Of course, there were moments of doubt when I worried I’d messed myself up professionally by doing this.

I think I always had in the back of my mind that I didn’t want to be a weekend Dad.

I couldn’t see myself in my 50s, staying in hotels for two months. I knew change was coming.

Now, I cannot imagine doing it another way. I don’t know how I would have gone back to work after the standard two-week paternity leave, emotionally or practically. Lots of people more than manage, but it must be tough.

The test will be if we’re fortunate enough to have another child. Will I down tools for my second child and take three months? The theory is yes, but that’s the test after this conversation, a challenge to myself.

My advice to other parents trying to work out how to manage childcare and work is to talk about it.

Don’t be embarrassed or afraid to talk to other men who have been through it or are going through it. It helped that I had a peer group of men at work going through similar emotions and rethinking life. Our wives fell pregnant within a month or so of each other, and their due dates were a month apart. It was nice to share ideas. I also highly recommend forums like NCT, where I met a network of dads.

I see a mindset change across the board among employers and employees. Fathers taking extended paternity leave, sharing it, is almost a baseline now. It stems from the fact that more dads want to be there.

From a career perspective, I think employers are gaining more perspective. I don’t think there’s any harm in having a conversation with your line manager or employer to see if there are flexible or alternate options to explore.

It sounds counterintuitive, but making a change in your professional life can work when your family life changes. Sometimes things need to happen at certain times. What I’m trying to say is that just because you have a child doesn’t mean you can’t change your career. You’ll figure out a way to manage it. It can be done.

I don’t feel like I’ve sunk. I’m designing my professional life around my family life - that’s number one for me, and I wouldn’t change anything.